Ha, I am no expert. But I do have some experience. And I have listened to countless complaints from others.
I want to insert here my theory on the continuum of humanity. If you look at DNA and genomes, there are nearly an infinite variety of combinations. Thus, while hair color can come in so many variations, so can one’s sexual orientation. There may be an ideal “Man” and an ideal “Woman,” but more likely there is an average “Man” and an average “Woman.” The rest of us fit somewhere on this infinite continuum. Most of us have some female and some male traits. Some of us may have enough of the opposite sex traits that we are termed homosexual. But even among homosexuals, there is a great variation.
So there is my biological explanation of homosexuality and here is my caution that you cannot compare yourself easily with other people. Each of us is unique, and our relationships are unique.
Marriage Myth? Each partner must put 50% into the relationship.
No, ideally, each person should put in 100%. Of course, things not being perfect, neither partner is usually able to put in 100%. And since things are not black & white, there is an ebb and flow to the relationship where the percentages are constantly changing. So you must accept that there are times when one partner is “giving” more than the other.
Marriage Myth? Men are from Mars and women are from Venus.
Actually, there is a lot of truth in this statement. But again we must look at the continuum of humanity, and that some of us have traits from the opposite sex. So there are females who like to solve problems and males who like to nurture. However, there will be differences in communication. For some reason, this has not become common knowledge and remains in the field of psycho-babble. So it takes a good counselor to sort things out if a couple can’t figure it out on their own time.
*Communication:
A common complaint is that a woman will say her husband doesn’t support her. Make her be more specific, and she will say he does not hug her when she is sad and he does not listen when she is angry. Actually you need to make her be even more specific, because…
When the husband hears he doesn’t support his wife, he says that hey, he does support her - he goes to work and brings home the income to pay for things she wants, to raise the kids, etc. His definition of support is totally different than hers. Then tell him he doesn’t hug her when she is sad or listen when she is angry, and he will respond that he has no idea when she is sad or angry. So whichever partner this may be, you have to be very specific in communicating your wants and needs. You need to say you are feeling sad today and need a hug. Then hubby can solve the problem and give you the hug. Say you have something to vent and will he just sit and listen while you get it off your chest? The husband now needs to learn to sit and listen, without judging and sometimes without giving a solution to the problem (which he may be wont to do). The husband may be surprised that after you have talked out your anger, the problem is gone! You didn’t need money or an answer, just someone to listen! Hopefully husbands will learn how easy it is to “support” his partner, by just listening and doling out hugs. Okay, maybe some partners will want more than that, and maybe some wives do want just the money, but they need to communicate that. Also, guys, when you are listening to your spouse, try to maintain some eye contact with her. Girls, if it appears that he is not paying attention, and is doodling, drumming his fingers, or staring off into space, he may really be listening. Learn how he listens.
A common complaint is that a man will say his wife doesn’t support him... What?! says the wife, I cook his meals and clean the house, take care of the kids; I’m always supporting him. I listen to his complaints about work and hug him when he is sad. Women tend to give a lot. But that is not what the man wants. His idea of support is for his wife to leave him alone in his cave to stew over and solve his own problems. Oh, in today’s world, that means allow him to “veg” in front of the TV. Once women understand why men sit in front of TVs, they will allow them to do so more often. As long as women think men are ignoring their wives by sitting in front of the TV, they will resist the whole TV idea. And by resisting the TV idea, they may be sabotaging the relationship.
The above examples have the average women and men roles being played, but the roles are likely to be different in your individual relationships. That is why clear communication is important. Assume nothing. You cannot assume your partner knows what to do, even though it seems so obvious in your own mind. He/she cannot read your mind. You have to be very specific about your wants and needs. You can’t use general words like love and support.
Marriage/relationships require a lot of work and communication. Can I throw in a monkey wrench? Don’t think that because today you learned to give a hug, or to give space by allowing TV watching, that the same technique will work in the future! Relationships ebb and flow, and who knows, the person may change and require something different. But if he is specific in his communication, then there should be little problem.
However, there are certain things that are not acceptable in relationships. If your spouse specifies he wants to whip you with a belt, or that she needs more cocaine, perhaps it is time to end the relationship. Only you can decide the limits you will put on a relationship.
Above all else, it is said you cannot change another person, you can only change your reaction/toleration/acceptance of that person. If you do not like your partner’s drug or alcohol problem, you are not going to change it. Only that person can change it. If he/she is not making the effort, then you have all rights to leave the relationship. Some people can change themselves to accept a drug addict or alcoholic (they must be extremely nurturing), but most of us cannot.
One more kicker: mood (or affective) disorders. I do not know the answer as to why there are so many people with mood disorders in today’s world. Yes, they did occur before the world became industrialized, but not in the numbers we see today. I also cannot understand why mood disorders have not become common knowledge, but also hide in the world of psycho-babble. On the continuum of humanity, we all have a little mood disorder in us! In the normal world, we can get depressed, and after a couple days we get over it and carry on. That means that some episode sent some of our neurotransmitters in our brain out of whack. Normally our body can restore the balance and restore our normal mood. However, if our body cannot restore the balance, then we have an illness. If your body cannot maintain an insulin balance, then you have the illness of diabetes. If your body cannot maintain a neurotransmitter balance, then you have a mood illness. This should be treated medically.
You can have a hereditary tendency towards a mood disorder. Again, the variation in disorders or the relative stress-level in your life can decide the severity of your disorder. I am not going to assume you need treatment. But if your persistent mood is affecting your quality of life, perhaps it is time to seek help. I, nor your spouse, can make you seek treatment. This has to be your decision.
Would you believe many marriages could have been saved if the antidepressant Prozac was easily available? We tend to get irritated by little things our partners do, and if that persists, it leads to divorce. But a little antidepressant helps balance our mood, meaning we aren’t so easily irritated and all is okay. Don’t you ever wonder why something that never used to bother you about your partner, now bothers you terribly? Why the change? Why do we now remember the 100 times in the past that this something occurred and we are now bothered by it? Or are more irritated by it? It’s our brain that is different - those neurotransmitters are in a different balance and setting us off. What do you want your normal to be? Easily irritated or go with the flow? Seeking medical treatment helps you to cope and go with the flow. There is so much stress in our lives today, some of us need some help.
In conclusion, marriage takes a lot of work. Communication is key, and you can never assume your partner knows what you are thinking. If you need some extra help, get it.
Why do so many arranged marriages work? The individuals come to the relationship expecting to have to work at it and expecting that they will have to tolerate some quirks. Often these couples have so much in common (culture, for example) that it is easier when the situation is the couple versus the world. When does it not work? Usually when one of the partnership is inherently evil! (Okay, maybe that is a bit extreme...)
