Criticizing

Back during my dark days of depression, everything irritated me. I remember criticizing your dad in front of you, with the purpose that you would learn what not to do or what you should do.  We can't remember specifics (perhaps you can tell us what you remember!), but for example I would say he needed to help me more with housecleaning. My naive thought was that all the children would then learn to help their spouses/roommates more with housework.

This is wrong on so many counts!

Now, when hearing someone criticize another, I realized that what was really learned was that it is okay to criticize. Aargh! I know now it is NOT okay to criticize, at least in public! Oh, we can complain to our confidantes about the annoying behaviors of others, and vent our irritations to a close sibling, but we should hold our tongues in a public setting. And kids should not be privy to the troubles of their parents.

It is also "wrong" in that I was depressed and irritable, so no matter what your dad did, I was critical. If you find yourself being irritable, and wanting to complain about things (that didn't bother you at all in the past), look for the source of irritation. Of course, my clinical depression was then sorted out by medication, so I no longer was as irritable, nor as critical. (I fear I am naturally a critical person, though. But don't worry, the person of whom I am most critical is... myself.)

Even in my "normal times", I would occasionally start an argument with your dad. I eventually realized that we had a "fight" every time the night before your grandparents were to arrive for a visit. So my anxiety at the in-laws coming made me irritable and critical...  (Now I am no longer anxious when they come!)

When I see others being critical, it appears "wrong" that they are making a big deal about some little thing that hardly matters. That's easy for me to say now, because when I was depressed, everything was a big deal.  But if you feel like criticizing something, take a step back and ask if it really matters.

If it does matter, be specific. Needing more help with the housework doesn't give anyone a clue about what they can actually do. I have realized that no one can actually read my mind, and no one thinks like I do, so it's less likely they will be able to guess what I need.

And finally, can we make our criticism in a positive way? Maybe not, but starting out with a thanks for anything else that person does or means to you may help!

Dialog between men and women is another whole blog, but I can now say that I used to assume what your dad thought and felt and ... I was wrong!

It's odd how now I feel hurt whenever I see someone criticizing another in front of an audience ( I inwardly wince). Imagine how much hurt I was causing to everyone involved in the past! Je me regret! (I'm sorry, I regret it..)